Capturing moments and memories is something which I have always loved to do and in 2024, photo memories are more precious than ever.
Taking a little trip down memory lane with Oscar Bear, my mini-me. #love #motherandson #ivfjourney #fertility #infertility #family #happiness #thejourney xo
Trying to always soak in the magical moments of life. No matter how hard life gets at times, there is always love, happiness, hope and laughter. We are human beings and we are forever evolving each and every single day. My message to you is: “To never ever give up on your dreams, no matter how hard the road gets, know that there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. Despite any set backs, or any adversity, being human, and feeling all of the feels, the highs and the lows, allows us to grow, and to become more resilient. To inspire others with our own journey. No journey is ever the same. Always remember that. As mummas, we are all unique. xo
A Little Bit About Our Family’s Journey
To date, we have endured 12 rounds of ART, 7 of those IVF cycles and 4 of those IUIs. Sadly, I am now naturally medically infertile for life.
We are lost 4 beautiful angel (Flutterby Babies – Chickpea, Chesnut, Charity and Cherub). In 2019, I was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma in situ of my Cervix, and I underwent 2 surgeries, 6 weeks a part. In just 4 days, I will be 5 years on from what journey, and little did I know just how hard the journey before myself would be. After learning after my surgeries, both my gynecologist and my gynecologists oncologist both advised that due to my low AMH (egg count), that IVF would be our best option to expand and complete our family. I had longed for a 3rd child, when I was pregnant with little Oscar Bear even and that feeling has never ever left me. It has only grown stronger, with each day.
We all of course remember COVID and how big a journey the world went on during that time period. The uncertainty of everything. At the time, I was working as a journalist, and I lost my role for the magazine I was working on, due to media stopping printing of some publications. But I was blessed to become the Associate Editor of Australia’s Leading Pharmacy Industry Magazine. Life got busy, we all were doing our best to survive and to get through each day, whilst staying connected as a community.
It took until February 2021 for our fertility journey to commence, first we started medicated cycles with Letrozole. Those aren’t even counted in the 12 attempts of ART, so if we included that, it would be more like 18 rounds or more of ART. Sadly, despite growing follicles, the tablets never helped to result in a pregnancy. Fast forward to the February and we were ready to commence IUIs, we had done a few rounds, and attempted two rounds of IVF, all of which failed. The IVF cycles were both cancelled before our egg pick up. All of the blood tests, all of the cycle Ultrasound monitoring, all of the hope and holding our breath, sadly, it was all for nothing at that particular point. But I definitely was fast learning everything that I needed to know, – to educate myself on infertility, and what it meant to have the human spirit and motherly instinct to try and do absolutely everything in my power to grant our family’s wish of expanding our family and having a third child. It was a decision that we had not taken lightly, but it was fast becoming evident just how out of reach it appeared to be. I was not going to give up, I simply couldn’t.
In September of 2021, I had reluctantly changed fertility specialists, which was very hard to make that decision. Do I wish I had chosen differently? In some ways yes, but hindsight is a beautiful thing and I am grateful for the experience that has come with my journey. I am pretty sure that I have seen upwards of 20 different specialists – most of whom are highly regarded in their field. Most have been men, but some women, – everyone offering different viewpoints and different offerings of possible treatment options and outcomes.
In that same month of September, we found out that we were expecting. It was the result of an IUI procedure with our new fertility specialist. I was naturally delighted at first, but equally I was somewhat reserved as we had already been through two losses before our beautiful boys were born, and I had gone through my journey with Stage 0 Cervical Cancer just 2 years prior. It was actually exactly two years in between date wise. Sadly, I think that I knew in my heart that things were not good. My HCG wasn’t rising as it should have been. I think that as Mothers, we do have to trust our gut-instincts and I knew further down the track, that I should have advocated for myself even more. It all comes with life experience though, doesn’t it? Any every journey and situation in which we face is different… By the end of September and Early October, my fate was sealed, with presenting to hospital for the second time, and demanding I had an internal scan, the ectopic pregnancy of our beautiful third angle baby and 5th conceived child overall, was sadly never going to make it earth side. That is the thing with Ectopic Pregnancies, they truly are incompatible with life. By no fault of our precious unborn baby, nor my own as their mother, neither of us could survive, without medical intervention of some sort. I had two options at that point, a wait and see approach for a day or so and to see if my HCG naturally came down, or to start medication to safely try and have the pregnancy absorbed by my body, or have surgery the very next day. The grief, as with every loss which we have endured, was excruitiating, but the physical pain was also something that for some reason was much more severe with this particular ectopic pregnancy. Two ambulance rides later, and a week long admission to hospital, I endured two doses of methotrexate, multiple blood tests, and many follow up procedures. Two HyCoSys, to be exact! By some miracle, at that time, we were able to save my final fallopian tube. But little did I know, what would come. That in just 15 months, I would experience the biggest miracle and also the most devastating day of my life.
We took some time to heal, our baby’s due date in the following early June sadly came and went. And like all of our babies which we have sadly lost, I made sure that I honoured our beautiful unborn baby, just as I had with their brother and other sibling, which our second loss and first ectopic, unfortunately we didn’t know the gender if that little soul either. With each pregnancy loss, comes with it, memories of sadness, but also at the beginning of the journey, moments of hope. Screenshots of sacred memories in my mind, forever filed there and imbedded in my heart, for all of eternity, until we one day, meet the little souls in heaven again.
In June of 2022, I once again did another AMH test and my egg count was so low, that the pathology testing clinic registered it as being under 0.2. It was sadly not even on the graph, which was completely and utterly devastating. I found myself gathering all of the information, which I possibly could, on medical journal websites, and from my GP and specialist, along with mum blogs and Facebook groups, to try and find, – some hope.
April 2023 – The Gift of Hope and Grief – All Rolled into One
Easter time always is a magical one. One wish sees the miracle of faith. For the day I found myself to be extra emotional, I think that again in my heart, I knew that something was just “up”. Work had been quite busy and stressful and my job at the time was both equally physically and emotionally demanding. At first, I put my tiredness and my tears down to that, but on April 20th, I decided to do a pregnancy test. “Just incase”, I thought, but the chance of ever conceiving naturally again was pretty much ”next to none” – or so I had been told! xo
During the time period of finding out that I was expecting, I had experienced some pain and I had sought the advice of my specialist and on the advice of my GP, when my HCG levels started to drop, I presented to the hospital. Sadly, I was not admitted and this would be one of the biggest mistakes to experience. I feel in my heart and know now, that really, I should have been admitted and monitored and I should have received more personalised care. But again, hindsight is a beautiful thing. I truly wish that I had trusted my gut instinct, and I wish that I had sought other opinions as well, but as patients we put our trust in the doctors who are caring for us and the hospital teams who are meant to treat cases like mine. After all, the risk of an ectopic pregnancy heightens, each and every time and sadly on May 2nd, my world came crashing down, as I was diagnosed with yet another ectopic pregnancy. But this time it was different. This time, our precious baby, who we would soon learn was a little boy, had a heartbeat. A strong and healthy heartbeat inside my left and final fallopian tube. The same fallopian tube which had been saved just over a year before hand. The grief that I felt that day, I honestly thing was the worst day of my entire life. It was on par, with the day in which our first son’s heart beat had stopped beating. Both equally devastating and soul crushing. That night, I returned home, looking back I think I should have been admitted to hospital for care, as I was at risk of a rupture. I was ready to go to the emergency department if anything changed symptoms wise. I also had to endure another scan that afternoon to confirm the inevitable and the clinic thought due to a mix up, that I was coming for a 12-week scan, or much more sadness and cruelty could I possibly go through? The every next day, I sadly had the surgery which removed my fertility for life. I was told in plain and simple language there was no other option but deep down, my gut instinct told me that there was and I will never ever get pass my fertility being taken from myself. Other doctors have offered advice which could have proposed a different outcome. I will never ever be able to turn the clock back. The only option left was to continue to do IVF. I had to find the courage to move forward, despite the depths of my despair and heartache. It was the only way, to have continued hope, as that natural hope, sadly is now gone for life.
xoxoxo
IVF – More Cycles Lay Ahead
In August of 2023, September/October of 2023, December of 2023, and again in April of this year, and July of this year, I underwent more grueling and devastating cycles of IVF. Two of those cycles had no eggs collected at all. And I have only ever made a 5-day embryo and had a FET transfer in our whole journey of IVF. Sadly that cycle never took. It all in ways feels like a dream, the unluckiness of it all, but the hope and desire to not give up. The hundreds of needles and injections, blood tests, appointments and heartache, – is it all worth it for no guaranteed outcome? Of course it is. As it is the only hope there is. Although sadly, it appears that I am most definitely in pre-menapause/menapause and whilst my cycles are not regular and my hormone levels do not allow an IVF cycle right now, I still hope and pray with all of my being, that one day, there will be happy ending to our journey. xo For now, the life goal is to – “just be”. To embrace the everyday miracles and milestone moments and to soak up the blessings which I currently have and no, what I don’t.
My advice to anyone who is reading this: “Don’t ever give up, if in your heart, you know what you want.” Of course for me turning 40 this July and my biologicial clock ticking on our IVF journey, one day soon, the end will be near, but it’s not over until they say that it’s over. In my heart, right now, in this present moment. I need to hold onto Hope, no matter how small that it is – it only takes one egg and sperm to create a blessing of little life. xo
Some comfort quotes to remember and to give strength to you, on your journey:
“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache – it carries with it, the seed of an equal or greater benefit.”
“There will always be rainbows after the storms.”
“Be grateful for each and every single day.”
Yours in fellow love and light. Rachael Elizabeth Tickner. xoxo From one angel Mumma to another, you have totally got this. – You can follow more of our journey over on Instagram: @rachael_elizabeth_tickner. Until then, take care and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Keeping in touch:
You can also follow my other blogs, at:
- beautyblossom.com.au
- flutterbybabybook.com.au (My gift book which helps mums, their partners and families navigate their journey through early pregnancy loss. My supported and chosen charity is The Pink Elephants support network.
- gracefullymagazine.com.au
- thebabyblossom.com.au
- rachaelelizabethconsulting.com.au
Resources: Pregnancy Loss – Not-for-Profit Organisations, which are close to my heart:-
The Pink Elephants Support Network – www.pinkelephants.org.au
Bears of Hope – www.bearsofhope.org.au
SANDS – www.sands.org.au
Precious Wings – www.preciouswings.org.
*On a personal note, seeking assistance and the counselling available through IVF clinics, and on one’s loss journey, is something, which I would highly recommend. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your loved ones for support. Always Please Remember – you are not alone xo.
Credits and Acknowledgements:
Photos by the beautiful: Sheree McAurthur of Sheree McAurthur Photography xoxo
And also by my dear friend and photographer, Sarah Taylor of Fire n Honey Images. xoxox
*Editorial Publication Disclaimer: These words and images are of my own. Please seek approval before re-sharing any of this personal content. Thank you for kindly respecting those wishes.
