By Rachael Tickner

Opinion Piece

The past five years have been a journey that I never thought that my life would take me on… I am a mum of two beautiful boys, but in order to grow our family, we endured what many families sadly also experience… the loss of our two beloved babies that grew and existed before them.

I have been a mother now for four years. Technically though, I’ve really been a mother for five years. The day which I learnt that my husband and I were pregnant for the first time, really was an incredible day. Little did I know that the weeks that followed would change me as a person. I am no longer the women that I once was. Am I a better person? In some ways, yes, in other ways, no. Am I a stronger person? You had better believe it! I have learnt to be resilient. I have learnt to deal with daily anxiety. I have learnt to love than I ever thought possible. Would I change a thing as heartbreaking as 2013 and 2014 were? That answer is also no. For if I hadn’t been through what I went through, I would not have our two beautiful boys, Ollie and Oscar. They are my world, my absolute everything. They are my husband’s everything too. I honestly can’t imagine life without them, and I know that my husband feels the same way. Doesn’t every parent?

I know we are all so guilty of missing them when we aren’t with them. Take the recent celebrations of Valentine’s Day for instance. It was our first night away, not being pregnant for as long as I can remember! I have been pregnant four times in five years, but sadly, two of our little babies didn’t make it safely earthside. I know that I’m not alone. So many other couples out there are in the club that you never thought that you would receive an automatic membership to. When we first lost our first son, it was truly devastating. I still remember every single detail of our pregnancy journey. The day those first two positive pink lines appeared, how I told my husband, how we told our family and close friends. Hearing our son’s heart beat for the first time. It’s something that will never leave me.

The joy of seeing the very first sonograph, despite our little “Chickpea” only being so small. Little did we know back then, that he was in fact a he. Our first son. That’s right, I’m actually a mother to three beautiful boys, just one of them is in heaven. He is not alone though… he is also in heaven amongst the angels with his little brother or sister. In my heart, I believe he had a little sister. They were close in age. From medical terms, they were 7 months a part in gestational age, but would have been both four and one due on July 29th, 2014 and the other due on January 5th, 2015, (also my Dad’s 60th birthday). Life had other ideas though. Life chose us to have a harder journey to parenthood. I know that people say, things happen for a reason and that those babies “sadly where not meant to be”. But, in my heart, and my husband’s heart, they were always meant to be. I still truly believe that. They taught us love like no other. Going through a missed miscarriage soon before the “safe” 12/13 week mark was extremely tough. Devastating in fact. I will never forget the words ”Was there a heartbeat?” “When did you have your dating scan?” Deep down, I think that I knew something was a-miss. I had confided in my husband and family, but of course, everyone brushed it off. It will all be okay. As you never think that it will happen to you. It happened to us twice. In a row.

The odds were not in our favour. The hardest part was finding out that there was no reason for our loss. Deep down, and still to this day, I worried if a reaction that I had contributed to or caused the loss, but despite confidential circumstances, we will never know. I just have to be at peace that our baby boy was so very loved and still is so very loved. I know that other families have been through so much too, and everyone’s journey is so different. It’s all so personal too. For a long time, I didn’t know how to express my thoughts and feelings, my hurt, anger and frustration. I was and still believe that I am a happy and bubbly person, but I went through some dark times after our loss and my anxiety was triggered from the experience, without a doubt. I didn’t see a psychologist for a few years. It was only when I was expecting our second son, that I finally got a referral to see a wonderful psychologist. Sadly though, She passed away after a few sessions with her. Dr Lisa, I will be forever grateful to you. Dr Lisa understood – she too had lost three angel babies. I truly believe that speaking to someone helps, you might not be ready straight away, but you will know when you are. There are so many amazing support groups available these days, which is so much more than even five years ago. It’s incredible how many friends and family members that you speak to and confide in that have also been through loss. It’s healthy to talk, to open up. To not be afraid to share your feelings. For I feel that bottling them up in the long run, is not healthy for you, nor your partner.

There are wonderful support groups out there for men also, as we can’t forget what they go through as well. It was their child too. They also need love, care and support.

We had booked a trip overseas before we found out that we were expecting. It was a trip to Paris and Italy for our 30ths. I should have been holding our newborn son in my arms for my 30th, but the universe had other ideas. Luckily we didn’t cancel our trip, in the end, we did still go, as by May 2014, we also suffered our second loss.

I had found out that we were expecting again, the very same day that we bought this house. Our first pregnancy, I had morning and all day sickness, I had the embarrassing vomiting at my work’s morning meeting café, the works… but with our second pregnancy, I didn’t feel sick, tired, but not sick. On Mother’s Day of 2014, at a close friend’s wedding, right before their ceremony, I started bleeding. I had never had that with our first loss. I was worried, but I didn’t let it completely ruin the night. In hindsight, I should have really gone to see the hospital doctors that night. In the week that followed, I did phone our doctors, emailed and also went to a private scanning facility on my own accord in conjunction with care with my GP, and the emergency of a local hospital. I also had blood tests taken every few days. Everything was off when it came to what the doctors were seeing. “Did I have my dates wrong?” “It could be a natural miscarriage.” “There was no baby in my uterus”. Google was telling me that it could be ectopic. It was only when it ruptured and I called the home doctor and my husband to come home with some anti-inflammatory medication that I realised things were not looking good. I had experienced excruciating pain at work. It was getting worse, like a stabbing pain in my right side. The home doctor thought it could be ectopic. He asked if I wanted an ambulance. We didn’t have a car at the time as we lived inner city. One regret I did have was not taking up that offer, as waiting for a cab and then waiting in the waiting room, I imagine added more time to the process. After a scan with the sonographer before too long, it was confirmed that I had a “mass”. The mass could really be two things. Worst case scenarios they both were. The mass was my ruptured right fallopian tube. I now only have left for luck. Thankfully, both of our boys were conceived naturally with some medication in the earlier days once we found out we were expecting with our eldest and blood pressure medication later in pregnancy for both. You would think that I would have been due some luck to have a smooth and hassle free pregnancy, but of course, this would also not be the case! I think that I have experienced most text-book examples of pregnancy conditions.

We were recommended by a friend who had also suffered two losses, to see the amazing doctor who delivered both of our boys (via c-section). I cannot thank him enough. He is simply incredible.

Our very first appointment with him around the four week mark with our eldest, I loved his preventative approach. He was caring, but clinical. Just the right balance that you hope to have in your doctor. Our former doctor was lovely too, but I do believe that we were meant to be introduced to our new doctor as well.

I took medication which did help me conceive a happy and healthy baby boy, at 37.2 weeks gestation. It was a rollercoaster ride. Gestational Diabetes, Hypertension, a Fibroid, a Low Lying Placenta, and bubba being breech. Just a few little things to add to the mix. You know what though? It was all worth it. Every single pin prick, every single appointment and scan, the reassurance to know that our bub was doing well. Despite being predicted to be a bigger baby, he was tiny 6 pounds and 11 ounces. His younger brother, was a similar size, just under 7 and 1 ounces. Both born at 37.2 days, but little Oscar didn’t arrived in a more dramatic way. He arrived via emergency c-section and had to spend the first 9 hours of his life on breathing support and having blood tests done after having trouble breathing. (He hadn’t had the steroid shots), whereas his older brother had done.

My journey to being a mother has not been an easy one. I am so very grateful to my husband and family and close friends for being there for me throughout the journey and the tribe of people we have in our live who have supported us and stood by us. You really do learn who your true friends are in life when you go through adversity. We are so very blessed. I know how lucky we are.

To all of the beautiful Mums and Dads out there who have been through a similar journey, I salute you. My heart breaks for you. Despite everyone’s journey being so unique, we can empathise with each other. I hope that all of your dreams come true. Thinking of you. Stay strong and have faith.

If you are looking for support, going through a similar journey, you can visit –

*The Pink Elephants Support Network – https://pinkelephantssupport.com
*Sands – https://www.sands.org.au/
*Cope – http://cope.org.au/
*Bears of Hope Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support – http://www.bearsofhope.org.au

Rachael Elizabeth – Editor and Founder of The Pink Jubilee xo

xo Thank you so much for taking the time to read this article. xo

This blog post article was also featured on Mamamia on May 30th, 2019.
Thank you to Mamamia for sharing my story. It means the world to me to help raise awarness.

I am one in four women. #miscarriageawarness #miscarriage #loss #family #support #blogging #sharingmystory

https://www.mamamia.com.au/pregnant-after-miscarriage/