This month 5 years ago was such a turmoil one for me. For my husband and I. It’s 16 more days and restless sleeps until the anniversary day that we sadly said goodbye to our second baby. I will be doing a lot of reflecting again this year, as I do each and every year. I remember the 3rd of May as the key date where I saw the two positive pregnancy lines for the very first time. Then on Mother’s Day, May 11th of 2014, at my close friend’s wedding reception, I started to have bleeding. I was scared of course, but I tried to not let it ruin the night. I really should have gone to hospital that night, but I didn’t. I chose not to. I’d had a big day helping with some pre-wedding little bits and pieces.
The week that followed saw about 6 days of testing. Some testing which I pushed for and other testing, which the doctor recommended too. Blood tests, an ultrasound which I requested and also a voluntary trip to the hospital emergency department before I ended up in the emergency department (two different hospitals). My OB at the time (different OB to who delivered our boys) thought I was having a natural miscarriage based on my description. I wish that I had of been seen earlier as I never actually did see my OB, but she was very understanding on the phone once we told her what had happened. I had to have my operation at the public hospital we had presented to, despite being in private health. In high sight, I would have gone to the other hospital, but I went to the first and closest one at the time. I also wish I had listened to the home doctor and taken am ambulance rather than choose to get a cab as we had no car at the time either, living so close to the city. So many, “what-ifs”… but let’s face it, the “what -if’s” would not have changed the outcome of our fate. I was having a second loss of our much-wanted baby and sadly, we will never know if that little baby was a girl or a boy, but I was and still am convinced that it was a little girl.
After much uncertainty and anxiety, I was diagnosed with a mass, on and around my right ovary. I was in so much agony as my right fallopian tube at ruptured. I had to have emergency surgery to remove my tube, but thankfully, they could save my ovary and I was able to still have our boys naturally.
I remember the university students/registrars and top doctors, all coming in to my room to discuss what was happening. The doctor who performed the surgery was quite young and I actually think he went on to open his own OB practise if I’m correct. I still have the physical and emotional scares from May 21st and the month that endured the heartache, but as mums know who have lost a baby, the grief only really just begins. The hopes and dreams for that little one were given life as soon as you know you were pregnant. Seeing and hearing the heartbeat as we did with our first son, makes it even more difficult and for my husband and I to have suffered two losses within 6 months of one another, looking back, I can see how I spiralled in to a dark place in the years that followed. It’s only now, that we have been blessed with our two gorgeous boys, that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the light that I knew was always there, but had to find. xo
Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother’s Day, May 5th, 2019. I know also am aware of October 15th each year, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. One in four pregnancies which are recognised, end in miscarriage. That’s a massive statistic. I am one of those statistics. Twice over. I know women who have had many more miscarriages too. Some have been lucky enough to go on to have healthy children, other’s have sadly never been blessed with the gift of being a mum. Life really can be sbo unfair at times. I think of every family who has ever been affected by a loss of a child. No matter what the gestation age of your baby, you were a mum to be, or a dad to be and nothing or no one can ever take that away. Until you meet your beautiful baby again in heaven, God Bless. xo
Rachael, writer of this article and also the Editor of The Pink Jubilee. xo
